Today’s events demand R-E-S-P-E-C-T

1992 Jury acquits Los Angeles police officers for the beating of Rodney King; riots begin. Which is a real bummer. Boo racism.

1974 President Nixon says he will release edited tapes made in the White House. What is there to add, really?

1968 "Hair" opens at Biltmore Theater New York City for 1750 performances. Mmm, naked hippie thespians. I can’t think of any single more attractive population subset… oh wait.

1967 Sock it to me: Aretha Franklin releases "Respect"

1961 ABC's "Wide World of Sports” debuts.

1945 U.S. liberates 31,601 in Nazi concentration camp in Dachau, Germany.

1852 The first edition of Peter Roget's Thesaurus is published. Useful, practical, functional, helpful.

1813 Rubber is patented

1429 Joan of Arc leads Orleans, France, to victory over English. Heroism, then burning at the stake. A fickle bunch, those French.

Cake!

1970 tennis star Andre Agassi

1958 actor Daniel Day-Lewis

1958 actor Michelle Pfeiffer

1955 what’s the deal with birthdays? Comedian Jerry Seinfeld

1899 jazz great Duke Ellington

For the birds, and bees, and horses, and chupacabras

2001 Dennis Tito becomes the first space tourist by paying $20 million to fly on a Soyuz mission to the International Space Station. On an unrelated note: have you ever noticed that the words “superfluous” and “extravagant” sound like positives, but are really negatives?

1989 Fatwa: can you dig it? Iran protests sale of "Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie

1972 Courts award the Kentucky Derby prize money to the second place finisher because the winner was given drugs before the race. That is what our courts should be worried about. Horse drugging: priority number one. Right on, judicial system.

1967 Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee (that refuses to go to Vietnam): Muhammad Ali refuses induction into army and is stripped of his boxing title

1934 Franklin D. Roosevelt signs Home Owners Loan Act. Well, his heart was in the right place, it was a good run while it lasted. Sad face.

1932 Yellow fever vaccine for humans is announced. I just really like the way that’s worded, like it was shortly following the “yellow fever vaccine for cats” and the “yellow fever vaccine for chupacabras.”

1931 Program for woman athletes approved for 1932 Olympics track and field. Women running? Despicable.

1855 the first veterinary college in U.S. is incorporated in Boston. “Hey ma, I’m going to be a vet. It’s like being a doctor, but more glamorous.”

1847 George B. Vashon becomes the first African American to become a lawyer in New York state. Cool.

1686 The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia" is published. You know, energy cannot be created or destroyed, equal and opposite blah blah blah, don’t let an apple fall on your head.

Birthday time!

1974 actress Penelope Cruz

1950 talk show host Jay Leno

1928 artist Yves Klein

1926 brilliant novelist Harper Lee

1758 Our fifth president James Monroe

Ol’ Blue Eyes and a volcano that you can’t run away from (nope, not even a new metro system can save you).

1980

Mount St. Helens becomes active after 123 years

1979

The Supreme Court rules, 8-1, that police can’t randomly stop cars.

1976

The Washington D.C. underground Metro opens

1970

Ringo releases his first solo album, “Sentimental Journey.” It must suck worse to be the least talented member of a great band than the least talented member of a horrible band. Or would it? Would you rather be Joey Fatone or Ringo Starr? Something to think about

1951

Frank Sinatra recorded “I’m a Fool to Want You.” If it weren’t for the mafia connections and the descent into senility, I can’t imagine anyone turning Frank down.

1914

The first successful blood transfusion takes place in Brussels

1912

The first Japanese cherry blossom trees planted in Washington D.C.

1794

U.S. Navy forms

1790

The shoelace is invented.

Birthday time!

1971 Singer Mariah Carey, who still wears clothes made for ten-year-olds.

1963: Quentin Tarantino, genius director who understands the aesthetics of blood and Le Big Mac.

1960 Actress Jennifer Grey, who is atill waiting for a sequel to “Dirty Dancing.”

1958 Heartthrob Shaun Cassidy

1836: Sir Henry Royce (yes, as in “Rolls")

Ebony and Ivory, and Israel and Egypt, come together in perfect harmony.

1982

Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder release “Ebony and Ivory” in the U.K. To quote Jack Black in High Fidelity: “Rob, top five musical crimes perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the ’80s and ’90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn out or fade away?”

1979

A peace treaty between Israel and Egypt is signed at Camp David. Egypt becomes the first Arab country to officially recognize Israel.

1977

Elvis Costello releases his first record, “Less Than Zero.” Elvis Costello is the first hipster, really. Look at his Buddy Holly glasses.

1975

The Who’s rock opera “Tommy” premieres in London. Ten foot tall, pinball playing Elton John? Where do I sign?

1973

Soap Opera “The Young and the Restless” premieres. It’s like the fine wine of daytime TV. Imagine soap’s Casablanca. That is the world of Genoa City, Wisconsin.

1973

Susan Shaw becomes the first woman in 171 years in London’s Stock exchange. Yeah, go breaking down barriers, or something.

1930

Congress appropriates $50,000 for Inter-American highway. Did you know that in Marxist literary theory the automobile is usually a symbol for capitalism? Just putting that out there.

1859

First sighting of Vulcan, a planet thought to orbit inside Mercury. Who knew Spock was that old?

1845

Patent awarded for adhesive medicated plaster, the precusor of the bandaid. No one will ever bleed to death from a paper cut ever again.

1780

The first British Sunday newspaper appears. That means the funnies in color. Thank you, Sunday Monitor.

Cake and ice cream with…

1985 Actress Keira Knightley, who gets skinnier every year.

1944 Singer Diana Ross, whose hair gets bigger every year.

1943 Investigative journalist Bob Woodward. Two words: Deep Throat

1939 Actor James Caan

1930 Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s only the first female Supreme Court Justice. No big.

Jesus and Tom Jones make sweet music!

1971

“She’s a Lady” by Tom Jones gets a gold record. Yeah, 500,000 people bought that song. Your mom was probably one of them.

1966

The U.S. Supreme Court rules that the poll tax unconstitutional. Yay voting rights!

1965

Martin Luther King, Jr. leads a 25,000 person strong march on the state capitol in Montgomery, Alabama.

1882

The first public demonstration of pancake making occurs in a New York department store. First implies that there have been multiple. New career goal: professional pancake making demonstrator. I’ve been milling around in the minors for a while and I didn’t even know it! I make a mean short stack; need to work on my buckwheat.

1863

The first Army Medal of Honor is awarded. Yeah courage. Or valiant-ness. Or ability to stay alive, or something.

1807

The first railway passenger service begins in England. Trains… for people. Craziness.

1807

The British Parliament abolishes the slave trade.

1753

Voltaire leaves the court of Frederik II of Prussia. Someone smarter than me can make a joke here. I read Candide, sort of. Does that count for anything?

1668

The first horse race in America takes place. You know, like NASCAR. With no fiery crashes, but more betting.

31

The First Easter, according to calendar-maker Dionysius Exiguus.

Blow out the candles!

1947 Singer/knight Elton John

1942 Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin, who makes sure everyone remembers that (that’s to you Beyonce).

1940 Homophobe/ singer Anita Bryant

1934 Feminist/author Gloria Steinem

1925 Writer Flannery O’Connor

1133 Bow down to Henry II, King of England

Term limits and teach-ins, moving radio and continental phone calls.

1967

The University of Michigan holds the first “Teach-in” protest after the US bombing of North Vietnam. Who decided that the best way to fix stuff was to educate the general public? How boring! (Just kidding anti-war movement, teach–ins are awesome).

1958

Elvis Presley joins the army. Blue suede shoes are considered non-regulation.

1952

Huge demonstrations against apartheid in South Africa

1947

Congress proposes a two-term limitation on the presidency. Sorry, FDR, it was great and all, but…

1932

The first U.S. radio broadcast from a moving train occurs. Now that is some necessary technology. Oh wait.

1930

Our former ninth planet is named. Poor ex-Pluto, now just a dwarf planet named 134340.

1924

Greece becomes a republic. Again.

1890

“The Adventure of Wisteria Lodge” is published, the first Sherlock Holmes adventure. Elementary, my dear Watson.

1883

The first telephone call between New York and Chicago takes place.

1832

The Founder of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Joseph Smith, is beaten, tarred and feathered in Ohio. Clearly, this did not deter him. There is a Mormon on the Real World. That’s when you know the religion you made up has truly made it.

Cake!

1962 TV talking person, who refuses to go away Star Jones

1944 Singer Patti Labelle

1940 Designer Bob Mackie

1911 Hanna-Barbera animator Joseph Barbera

1887 Comedian/director/screenwriter Fatty Arbuckle

Art, oppression, and Saint Patrick’s Day! Yay!

1998

The United States beats Canada for the gold medal in the first ever Women’s Ice Hockey final in the Olympics. Yeah Cammi Granato! Anybody? Nothing? This is what I get for growing up in Minnesota. It was a big deal, I swear.

1969

Golda Meir becomes Israel’s fourth Prime Minister. Which is cool, except for that whole “denying that Palestinians exist” thing.

1961

South Africa leaves the British Commonwealth. Usually I’d be all, “Yeah! Boo colonialism,” except South Africa was really more like “Yo, we passed a whites-only referendum, peace out England, nonwhite people had no say in this decision because they are not real citizens, also, our government is now run by an even scarier nationalist party,” so there’s that. Boo Apartheid.

1959

The Dalai Lama flees Tibet for India. See? Boo illegal military occupations!

1941

The National Gallery of Art in Washington D.C. opens. You want 17th century Flemish still lifes? You can bet your bonnet they’ve got 17th century Flemish still lifes. And then some.

1921

Dr. Marie Stopes opens Britain’s first birth control clinic in London. Yay reproductive rights!

1836

Texas abolishes slavery. Who woulda thunk it?

1766

Britain repeals the Stamp Act. Yeah, okay, whatever.

1762

The first New York City St. Patrick’s Day parade takes place. Because America was a wonderful, welcoming place for the Irish. Oh wait.

Let them eat (birthday) cake!

1967 Bald person/Smashing Pumpkins vocalist Billy Corgan

1964 Brat pack actor Rob Lowe

1955 Green Party presidential candidate/crazy person Cynthia McKinney

1951 Actor/Goldie Hawn almost-spouse Kurt Russell

1944 Too-short actor Danny DeVito