Ol’ Blue Eyes and a volcano that you can’t run away from (nope, not even a new metro system can save you).

1980

Mount St. Helens becomes active after 123 years

1979

The Supreme Court rules, 8-1, that police can’t randomly stop cars.

1976

The Washington D.C. underground Metro opens

1970

Ringo releases his first solo album, “Sentimental Journey.” It must suck worse to be the least talented member of a great band than the least talented member of a horrible band. Or would it? Would you rather be Joey Fatone or Ringo Starr? Something to think about

1951

Frank Sinatra recorded “I’m a Fool to Want You.” If it weren’t for the mafia connections and the descent into senility, I can’t imagine anyone turning Frank down.

1914

The first successful blood transfusion takes place in Brussels

1912

The first Japanese cherry blossom trees planted in Washington D.C.

1794

U.S. Navy forms

1790

The shoelace is invented.

Birthday time!

1971 Singer Mariah Carey, who still wears clothes made for ten-year-olds.

1963: Quentin Tarantino, genius director who understands the aesthetics of blood and Le Big Mac.

1960 Actress Jennifer Grey, who is atill waiting for a sequel to “Dirty Dancing.”

1958 Heartthrob Shaun Cassidy

1836: Sir Henry Royce (yes, as in “Rolls")

Ebony and Ivory, and Israel and Egypt, come together in perfect harmony.

1982

Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder release “Ebony and Ivory” in the U.K. To quote Jack Black in High Fidelity: “Rob, top five musical crimes perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the ’80s and ’90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn out or fade away?”

1979

A peace treaty between Israel and Egypt is signed at Camp David. Egypt becomes the first Arab country to officially recognize Israel.

1977

Elvis Costello releases his first record, “Less Than Zero.” Elvis Costello is the first hipster, really. Look at his Buddy Holly glasses.

1975

The Who’s rock opera “Tommy” premieres in London. Ten foot tall, pinball playing Elton John? Where do I sign?

1973

Soap Opera “The Young and the Restless” premieres. It’s like the fine wine of daytime TV. Imagine soap’s Casablanca. That is the world of Genoa City, Wisconsin.

1973

Susan Shaw becomes the first woman in 171 years in London’s Stock exchange. Yeah, go breaking down barriers, or something.

1930

Congress appropriates $50,000 for Inter-American highway. Did you know that in Marxist literary theory the automobile is usually a symbol for capitalism? Just putting that out there.

1859

First sighting of Vulcan, a planet thought to orbit inside Mercury. Who knew Spock was that old?

1845

Patent awarded for adhesive medicated plaster, the precusor of the bandaid. No one will ever bleed to death from a paper cut ever again.

1780

The first British Sunday newspaper appears. That means the funnies in color. Thank you, Sunday Monitor.

Cake and ice cream with…

1985 Actress Keira Knightley, who gets skinnier every year.

1944 Singer Diana Ross, whose hair gets bigger every year.

1943 Investigative journalist Bob Woodward. Two words: Deep Throat

1939 Actor James Caan

1930 Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s only the first female Supreme Court Justice. No big.

Jesus and Tom Jones make sweet music!

1971

“She’s a Lady” by Tom Jones gets a gold record. Yeah, 500,000 people bought that song. Your mom was probably one of them.

1966

The U.S. Supreme Court rules that the poll tax unconstitutional. Yay voting rights!

1965

Martin Luther King, Jr. leads a 25,000 person strong march on the state capitol in Montgomery, Alabama.

1882

The first public demonstration of pancake making occurs in a New York department store. First implies that there have been multiple. New career goal: professional pancake making demonstrator. I’ve been milling around in the minors for a while and I didn’t even know it! I make a mean short stack; need to work on my buckwheat.

1863

The first Army Medal of Honor is awarded. Yeah courage. Or valiant-ness. Or ability to stay alive, or something.

1807

The first railway passenger service begins in England. Trains… for people. Craziness.

1807

The British Parliament abolishes the slave trade.

1753

Voltaire leaves the court of Frederik II of Prussia. Someone smarter than me can make a joke here. I read Candide, sort of. Does that count for anything?

1668

The first horse race in America takes place. You know, like NASCAR. With no fiery crashes, but more betting.

31

The First Easter, according to calendar-maker Dionysius Exiguus.

Blow out the candles!

1947 Singer/knight Elton John

1942 Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin, who makes sure everyone remembers that (that’s to you Beyonce).

1940 Homophobe/ singer Anita Bryant

1934 Feminist/author Gloria Steinem

1925 Writer Flannery O’Connor

1133 Bow down to Henry II, King of England

Term limits and teach-ins, moving radio and continental phone calls.

1967

The University of Michigan holds the first “Teach-in” protest after the US bombing of North Vietnam. Who decided that the best way to fix stuff was to educate the general public? How boring! (Just kidding anti-war movement, teach–ins are awesome).

1958

Elvis Presley joins the army. Blue suede shoes are considered non-regulation.

1952

Huge demonstrations against apartheid in South Africa

1947

Congress proposes a two-term limitation on the presidency. Sorry, FDR, it was great and all, but…

1932

The first U.S. radio broadcast from a moving train occurs. Now that is some necessary technology. Oh wait.

1930

Our former ninth planet is named. Poor ex-Pluto, now just a dwarf planet named 134340.

1924

Greece becomes a republic. Again.

1890

“The Adventure of Wisteria Lodge” is published, the first Sherlock Holmes adventure. Elementary, my dear Watson.

1883

The first telephone call between New York and Chicago takes place.

1832

The Founder of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Joseph Smith, is beaten, tarred and feathered in Ohio. Clearly, this did not deter him. There is a Mormon on the Real World. That’s when you know the religion you made up has truly made it.

Cake!

1962 TV talking person, who refuses to go away Star Jones

1944 Singer Patti Labelle

1940 Designer Bob Mackie

1911 Hanna-Barbera animator Joseph Barbera

1887 Comedian/director/screenwriter Fatty Arbuckle

Art, oppression, and Saint Patrick’s Day! Yay!

1998

The United States beats Canada for the gold medal in the first ever Women’s Ice Hockey final in the Olympics. Yeah Cammi Granato! Anybody? Nothing? This is what I get for growing up in Minnesota. It was a big deal, I swear.

1969

Golda Meir becomes Israel’s fourth Prime Minister. Which is cool, except for that whole “denying that Palestinians exist” thing.

1961

South Africa leaves the British Commonwealth. Usually I’d be all, “Yeah! Boo colonialism,” except South Africa was really more like “Yo, we passed a whites-only referendum, peace out England, nonwhite people had no say in this decision because they are not real citizens, also, our government is now run by an even scarier nationalist party,” so there’s that. Boo Apartheid.

1959

The Dalai Lama flees Tibet for India. See? Boo illegal military occupations!

1941

The National Gallery of Art in Washington D.C. opens. You want 17th century Flemish still lifes? You can bet your bonnet they’ve got 17th century Flemish still lifes. And then some.

1921

Dr. Marie Stopes opens Britain’s first birth control clinic in London. Yay reproductive rights!

1836

Texas abolishes slavery. Who woulda thunk it?

1766

Britain repeals the Stamp Act. Yeah, okay, whatever.

1762

The first New York City St. Patrick’s Day parade takes place. Because America was a wonderful, welcoming place for the Irish. Oh wait.

Let them eat (birthday) cake!

1967 Bald person/Smashing Pumpkins vocalist Billy Corgan

1964 Brat pack actor Rob Lowe

1955 Green Party presidential candidate/crazy person Cynthia McKinney

1951 Actor/Goldie Hawn almost-spouse Kurt Russell

1944 Too-short actor Danny DeVito

St. Patrick’s day, John and Yoko, and Iwo Jima.

1991

Gay rights groups march in the New York City St. Patrick’s Day Parade

1972

John Lennon and Yoko Ono are served with deportation papers.

1968

Robert F. Kennedy announces his presidential campaign. Sad face.

1945

The Allies secure Iwo Jima. Yeahhh wooo America! And England, I guess. And Russia. Kinda.

1941

The National Gallery of Art opens in Washington D.C.

1850

The most boring book to ever exist, “the Scarlet Letter,” by Nathaniel Hawthorne is published. Seriously. Empirical studies have been conducted. It beats “Johnny Tremain” by a hair.

1833

Susan Hayhurst becomes 1st U.S. woman to graduate from pharmaceutical college.

1827

The first African American newspaper is published.

1802

The U.S. Academy at West Point is founded. Soon after, John McCain enrolls.

Cupcakes!

1960 Flavaaaa Flav!

1952 Author Alice Hoffman

1946 World renowned actor Erik Estrada

1933 Supreme court justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg

1926 Inexplicably popular among the French, comedian Jerry Lewis

1912 Former first lady Pat Nixon

1751 Only one of the coolest presidents ever—James Madison!

We’re talking John Gotti, Uncle Sam, and EST!

1987

John Gotti is acquitted of racketeering. Because he was totally innocent, duh.

1935

Driving tests are introduced in Great Britain, but apparently they’re not that hard. I mean, everyone still drives around on the wrong side of the road! (rimshot)

1894

J L Johnstone of England invents horse racing starting gate. What did we do before the horse racing starting gate? The mind boggles.

1887

Chester Greenwood of Maine patents earmuffs. His prospectus? “Fuzzy things to keep your ears warm. You know, like a hat. Minus the hat, ergo no hat head. Eh?” Verbatim.

1884

U.S. adopts Standard Time. Which is useful, but imagine how much more exciting life would be if it hadn’t.

1852

I want you to make successful propaganda: Uncle Sam cartoon figure makes its debut.

1639

Cambridge College is renamed Harvard. Elitest-y.

1519

Cortez lands in Mexico. Which we probably shouldn’t be celebrating, on second thought. Sorry indigenous peoples.

Birthday birthday birthday!

1985 Actor Emile Hirsch

1950 Actor William H. Macy

1921 MAD Magazine genius Al Jaffee

1911 sci-fi writer/creator of scientology L. Ron Hubbard

FDR, Broadway musicals, and US mail: life is sweet!

1994

The Church of England ordains 33 women, its first female priests.

1987

“Le Mis” opens on Broadway. You will rue the day you made musicals cool again, Claud-Michel Schonberg. Just you wait. I’ll exact my revenge.

1972

NHL great Gordie Howe retires after 26 seasons. Before I die I hope I score a Gordie Howe hat trick (a goal, an assist, and a fight in one game). Just one and it doesn’t even have to be in the NHL, or anything. Just rec league.

1969

Paul McCartney marries Linda Louise Eastman in London. Poor Sir Paul. Oh wait, he married a model and has oodles of money. Never mind.

1933

Franklin D. Roosevelt conducts his first fireside chat. Mmm, false reassurance.

1849

The gold rush begins: gold seekers arrive in Nicaragua en route to California

1789

The U.S. Post Office established, which is cool, and all, but wouldn’t it be even cooler if we still had the Pony Express? Ponder that.

1737

Galileo’s body is moved to the Church of Santa Croce in Florence, Italy. Gotta love postmortem forgiveness and adulation.

Go shorty, it’s your birthday

1968 “The Dark Knight” actor Aaron Eckhart

1962 Baseball player/scandal maker Darryl Strawberry

1953 Writer Carl Hiaasen

1946 Icon Liza Minnelli

Star Trek, hockey, and Shakespeare. What else do you need, really?

2006

Slobodan Milosevic is found dead in his cell in the Hague.

1997

Paul McCartney becomes Sir Paul McCartney. The Queen, magnanimous as always, was willing to overlook the atrocity that is Wings for his work in that silly little band with those funny bowl haircuts.

1997

The ashes of Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek, are launched into space. If only he would’ve taken Shatner with him (Picard 4 lyfe).

1987

Wayne Gretzky scores his 1,500th NHL point. Which is a lot of points, or something.

1960

Pioneer 5 is launched into solar orbit between Earth and Venus.

1959

Lorraine Hansberry’s insta-classic “Raisin in the Sun” opens on Broadway, the first play authored by an African American woman to do so. More fodder for my theory that alluding to Langston Hughes is always a winning strategy. I’ve known rivers.

1850

The first medical school for women is founded.

1789

L’Enfant begins to lay out our nation’s capitol. Our very own swampy, muggy Paris! Take that, France!

1302

Romeo and Juliet’s wedding day, as Shakespeare writes them. Mmm, fourteen year old marriage. How romantic.

Have a slice of cake!

1982 Actress Thora Birch. Remember the movie “Hocus Pocus”?

1979 Good Charlotte rocker Joel Madden

1968 Beglassesed singer Lisa Loeb

1950 Eternally carefree singer Bobby McFerrin

Out of this world with a touch of anarchy

2006

The Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter enters… wait for it… Mars’ orbit. What a twist.

1988

Prince Charles is nearly killed in an avalanche at Swiss ski resort. But he isn’t. The monarchy is saved! Phew. What would the world do without antiquated figureheads that serve as nothing more than symbols of an outdated, elitist classed society? Plus, he was so cruel to that poor Diana.

1982

All nine planets align on the same side of the sun.

1971

The Senate approves amendment lowering voting age to 18. Yeah civic duty!

1977

Rings of Uranus are discovered. The punch line writes itself.

1948

The first civilian exceeds the speed of sound. In Canada!

1914

Suffragettes in London damage a priceless painting. Cool. Probably they were just listening to Henry Rollins and got a little too hyped. It happens.

1910

China ends slavery.

1874

Purdue University in Indiana admits its 1st student.

Birthday time!

1983 Singer Carrie Underwood, who in our opinion, is the only true American Idol.

1958 Actress/crazy person Sharon Stone

1940 Actor and martial artist Chuck Norris, the Texas Walker ranger tough on drugs and tough on liberals.

1903 Rockstar Bix Biederbecke

1787 Painter William Etty

Stolen bodies, strike solidarity, and King Kong

1991

Switzerland lowers its voting age from 20 to 18. Yay for civic duty!

1989

Eastern Airlines machinists strike; pilots honor the picket line. Solidarity and stuff.

1978

Little Tramp: Charlie Chaplin’s remains are stolen in Switzerland.

1965

I’ve got sunshine, on a cloudy day: “My Girl” by the Temptations reaches the number one spot on the charts.

1959

The Pioneer 4, the first U.S. probe to enter solar orbit, is launched. Haha. Probe.

1933

Fay Wray-y. “King Kong” premieres in New York City.

1905

Only you can prevent forest fires: The U.S. Forest Service forms.

1891

Congress creates the U.S. Courts of Appeal.

1885

The U.S. Post Office begins to offer special delivery for First Class mail.

1875

The first ever recorded hockey game occurs in Montreal. Ya hoser.

Birthday time!

1966: Funky cold medina rapper Tone-Loc
1959: Radio personality/journalist Ira Glass
1917: Graphic novelist Will Eisner
1911: Actress/sex symbol Jean Harlow