Today’s events demand R-E-S-P-E-C-T

1992 Jury acquits Los Angeles police officers for the beating of Rodney King; riots begin. Which is a real bummer. Boo racism.

1974 President Nixon says he will release edited tapes made in the White House. What is there to add, really?

1968 "Hair" opens at Biltmore Theater New York City for 1750 performances. Mmm, naked hippie thespians. I can’t think of any single more attractive population subset… oh wait.

1967 Sock it to me: Aretha Franklin releases "Respect"

1961 ABC's "Wide World of Sports” debuts.

1945 U.S. liberates 31,601 in Nazi concentration camp in Dachau, Germany.

1852 The first edition of Peter Roget's Thesaurus is published. Useful, practical, functional, helpful.

1813 Rubber is patented

1429 Joan of Arc leads Orleans, France, to victory over English. Heroism, then burning at the stake. A fickle bunch, those French.

Cake!

1970 tennis star Andre Agassi

1958 actor Daniel Day-Lewis

1958 actor Michelle Pfeiffer

1955 what’s the deal with birthdays? Comedian Jerry Seinfeld

1899 jazz great Duke Ellington

For the birds, and bees, and horses, and chupacabras

2001 Dennis Tito becomes the first space tourist by paying $20 million to fly on a Soyuz mission to the International Space Station. On an unrelated note: have you ever noticed that the words “superfluous” and “extravagant” sound like positives, but are really negatives?

1989 Fatwa: can you dig it? Iran protests sale of "Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie

1972 Courts award the Kentucky Derby prize money to the second place finisher because the winner was given drugs before the race. That is what our courts should be worried about. Horse drugging: priority number one. Right on, judicial system.

1967 Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee (that refuses to go to Vietnam): Muhammad Ali refuses induction into army and is stripped of his boxing title

1934 Franklin D. Roosevelt signs Home Owners Loan Act. Well, his heart was in the right place, it was a good run while it lasted. Sad face.

1932 Yellow fever vaccine for humans is announced. I just really like the way that’s worded, like it was shortly following the “yellow fever vaccine for cats” and the “yellow fever vaccine for chupacabras.”

1931 Program for woman athletes approved for 1932 Olympics track and field. Women running? Despicable.

1855 the first veterinary college in U.S. is incorporated in Boston. “Hey ma, I’m going to be a vet. It’s like being a doctor, but more glamorous.”

1847 George B. Vashon becomes the first African American to become a lawyer in New York state. Cool.

1686 The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia" is published. You know, energy cannot be created or destroyed, equal and opposite blah blah blah, don’t let an apple fall on your head.

Birthday time!

1974 actress Penelope Cruz

1950 talk show host Jay Leno

1928 artist Yves Klein

1926 brilliant novelist Harper Lee

1758 Our fifth president James Monroe

Ol’ Blue Eyes and a volcano that you can’t run away from (nope, not even a new metro system can save you).

1980

Mount St. Helens becomes active after 123 years

1979

The Supreme Court rules, 8-1, that police can’t randomly stop cars.

1976

The Washington D.C. underground Metro opens

1970

Ringo releases his first solo album, “Sentimental Journey.” It must suck worse to be the least talented member of a great band than the least talented member of a horrible band. Or would it? Would you rather be Joey Fatone or Ringo Starr? Something to think about

1951

Frank Sinatra recorded “I’m a Fool to Want You.” If it weren’t for the mafia connections and the descent into senility, I can’t imagine anyone turning Frank down.

1914

The first successful blood transfusion takes place in Brussels

1912

The first Japanese cherry blossom trees planted in Washington D.C.

1794

U.S. Navy forms

1790

The shoelace is invented.

Birthday time!

1971 Singer Mariah Carey, who still wears clothes made for ten-year-olds.

1963: Quentin Tarantino, genius director who understands the aesthetics of blood and Le Big Mac.

1960 Actress Jennifer Grey, who is atill waiting for a sequel to “Dirty Dancing.”

1958 Heartthrob Shaun Cassidy

1836: Sir Henry Royce (yes, as in “Rolls")

Ebony and Ivory, and Israel and Egypt, come together in perfect harmony.

1982

Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder release “Ebony and Ivory” in the U.K. To quote Jack Black in High Fidelity: “Rob, top five musical crimes perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the ’80s and ’90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn out or fade away?”

1979

A peace treaty between Israel and Egypt is signed at Camp David. Egypt becomes the first Arab country to officially recognize Israel.

1977

Elvis Costello releases his first record, “Less Than Zero.” Elvis Costello is the first hipster, really. Look at his Buddy Holly glasses.

1975

The Who’s rock opera “Tommy” premieres in London. Ten foot tall, pinball playing Elton John? Where do I sign?

1973

Soap Opera “The Young and the Restless” premieres. It’s like the fine wine of daytime TV. Imagine soap’s Casablanca. That is the world of Genoa City, Wisconsin.

1973

Susan Shaw becomes the first woman in 171 years in London’s Stock exchange. Yeah, go breaking down barriers, or something.

1930

Congress appropriates $50,000 for Inter-American highway. Did you know that in Marxist literary theory the automobile is usually a symbol for capitalism? Just putting that out there.

1859

First sighting of Vulcan, a planet thought to orbit inside Mercury. Who knew Spock was that old?

1845

Patent awarded for adhesive medicated plaster, the precusor of the bandaid. No one will ever bleed to death from a paper cut ever again.

1780

The first British Sunday newspaper appears. That means the funnies in color. Thank you, Sunday Monitor.

Cake and ice cream with…

1985 Actress Keira Knightley, who gets skinnier every year.

1944 Singer Diana Ross, whose hair gets bigger every year.

1943 Investigative journalist Bob Woodward. Two words: Deep Throat

1939 Actor James Caan

1930 Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s only the first female Supreme Court Justice. No big.

Jesus and Tom Jones make sweet music!

1971

“She’s a Lady” by Tom Jones gets a gold record. Yeah, 500,000 people bought that song. Your mom was probably one of them.

1966

The U.S. Supreme Court rules that the poll tax unconstitutional. Yay voting rights!

1965

Martin Luther King, Jr. leads a 25,000 person strong march on the state capitol in Montgomery, Alabama.

1882

The first public demonstration of pancake making occurs in a New York department store. First implies that there have been multiple. New career goal: professional pancake making demonstrator. I’ve been milling around in the minors for a while and I didn’t even know it! I make a mean short stack; need to work on my buckwheat.

1863

The first Army Medal of Honor is awarded. Yeah courage. Or valiant-ness. Or ability to stay alive, or something.

1807

The first railway passenger service begins in England. Trains… for people. Craziness.

1807

The British Parliament abolishes the slave trade.

1753

Voltaire leaves the court of Frederik II of Prussia. Someone smarter than me can make a joke here. I read Candide, sort of. Does that count for anything?

1668

The first horse race in America takes place. You know, like NASCAR. With no fiery crashes, but more betting.

31

The First Easter, according to calendar-maker Dionysius Exiguus.

Blow out the candles!

1947 Singer/knight Elton John

1942 Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin, who makes sure everyone remembers that (that’s to you Beyonce).

1940 Homophobe/ singer Anita Bryant

1934 Feminist/author Gloria Steinem

1925 Writer Flannery O’Connor

1133 Bow down to Henry II, King of England

Term limits and teach-ins, moving radio and continental phone calls.

1967

The University of Michigan holds the first “Teach-in” protest after the US bombing of North Vietnam. Who decided that the best way to fix stuff was to educate the general public? How boring! (Just kidding anti-war movement, teach–ins are awesome).

1958

Elvis Presley joins the army. Blue suede shoes are considered non-regulation.

1952

Huge demonstrations against apartheid in South Africa

1947

Congress proposes a two-term limitation on the presidency. Sorry, FDR, it was great and all, but…

1932

The first U.S. radio broadcast from a moving train occurs. Now that is some necessary technology. Oh wait.

1930

Our former ninth planet is named. Poor ex-Pluto, now just a dwarf planet named 134340.

1924

Greece becomes a republic. Again.

1890

“The Adventure of Wisteria Lodge” is published, the first Sherlock Holmes adventure. Elementary, my dear Watson.

1883

The first telephone call between New York and Chicago takes place.

1832

The Founder of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Joseph Smith, is beaten, tarred and feathered in Ohio. Clearly, this did not deter him. There is a Mormon on the Real World. That’s when you know the religion you made up has truly made it.

Cake!

1962 TV talking person, who refuses to go away Star Jones

1944 Singer Patti Labelle

1940 Designer Bob Mackie

1911 Hanna-Barbera animator Joseph Barbera

1887 Comedian/director/screenwriter Fatty Arbuckle

Art, oppression, and Saint Patrick’s Day! Yay!

1998

The United States beats Canada for the gold medal in the first ever Women’s Ice Hockey final in the Olympics. Yeah Cammi Granato! Anybody? Nothing? This is what I get for growing up in Minnesota. It was a big deal, I swear.

1969

Golda Meir becomes Israel’s fourth Prime Minister. Which is cool, except for that whole “denying that Palestinians exist” thing.

1961

South Africa leaves the British Commonwealth. Usually I’d be all, “Yeah! Boo colonialism,” except South Africa was really more like “Yo, we passed a whites-only referendum, peace out England, nonwhite people had no say in this decision because they are not real citizens, also, our government is now run by an even scarier nationalist party,” so there’s that. Boo Apartheid.

1959

The Dalai Lama flees Tibet for India. See? Boo illegal military occupations!

1941

The National Gallery of Art in Washington D.C. opens. You want 17th century Flemish still lifes? You can bet your bonnet they’ve got 17th century Flemish still lifes. And then some.

1921

Dr. Marie Stopes opens Britain’s first birth control clinic in London. Yay reproductive rights!

1836

Texas abolishes slavery. Who woulda thunk it?

1766

Britain repeals the Stamp Act. Yeah, okay, whatever.

1762

The first New York City St. Patrick’s Day parade takes place. Because America was a wonderful, welcoming place for the Irish. Oh wait.

Let them eat (birthday) cake!

1967 Bald person/Smashing Pumpkins vocalist Billy Corgan

1964 Brat pack actor Rob Lowe

1955 Green Party presidential candidate/crazy person Cynthia McKinney

1951 Actor/Goldie Hawn almost-spouse Kurt Russell

1944 Too-short actor Danny DeVito

St. Patrick’s day, John and Yoko, and Iwo Jima.

1991

Gay rights groups march in the New York City St. Patrick’s Day Parade

1972

John Lennon and Yoko Ono are served with deportation papers.

1968

Robert F. Kennedy announces his presidential campaign. Sad face.

1945

The Allies secure Iwo Jima. Yeahhh wooo America! And England, I guess. And Russia. Kinda.

1941

The National Gallery of Art opens in Washington D.C.

1850

The most boring book to ever exist, “the Scarlet Letter,” by Nathaniel Hawthorne is published. Seriously. Empirical studies have been conducted. It beats “Johnny Tremain” by a hair.

1833

Susan Hayhurst becomes 1st U.S. woman to graduate from pharmaceutical college.

1827

The first African American newspaper is published.

1802

The U.S. Academy at West Point is founded. Soon after, John McCain enrolls.

Cupcakes!

1960 Flavaaaa Flav!

1952 Author Alice Hoffman

1946 World renowned actor Erik Estrada

1933 Supreme court justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg

1926 Inexplicably popular among the French, comedian Jerry Lewis

1912 Former first lady Pat Nixon

1751 Only one of the coolest presidents ever—James Madison!

We’re talking John Gotti, Uncle Sam, and EST!

1987

John Gotti is acquitted of racketeering. Because he was totally innocent, duh.

1935

Driving tests are introduced in Great Britain, but apparently they’re not that hard. I mean, everyone still drives around on the wrong side of the road! (rimshot)

1894

J L Johnstone of England invents horse racing starting gate. What did we do before the horse racing starting gate? The mind boggles.

1887

Chester Greenwood of Maine patents earmuffs. His prospectus? “Fuzzy things to keep your ears warm. You know, like a hat. Minus the hat, ergo no hat head. Eh?” Verbatim.

1884

U.S. adopts Standard Time. Which is useful, but imagine how much more exciting life would be if it hadn’t.

1852

I want you to make successful propaganda: Uncle Sam cartoon figure makes its debut.

1639

Cambridge College is renamed Harvard. Elitest-y.

1519

Cortez lands in Mexico. Which we probably shouldn’t be celebrating, on second thought. Sorry indigenous peoples.

Birthday birthday birthday!

1985 Actor Emile Hirsch

1950 Actor William H. Macy

1921 MAD Magazine genius Al Jaffee

1911 sci-fi writer/creator of scientology L. Ron Hubbard

FDR, Broadway musicals, and US mail: life is sweet!

1994

The Church of England ordains 33 women, its first female priests.

1987

“Le Mis” opens on Broadway. You will rue the day you made musicals cool again, Claud-Michel Schonberg. Just you wait. I’ll exact my revenge.

1972

NHL great Gordie Howe retires after 26 seasons. Before I die I hope I score a Gordie Howe hat trick (a goal, an assist, and a fight in one game). Just one and it doesn’t even have to be in the NHL, or anything. Just rec league.

1969

Paul McCartney marries Linda Louise Eastman in London. Poor Sir Paul. Oh wait, he married a model and has oodles of money. Never mind.

1933

Franklin D. Roosevelt conducts his first fireside chat. Mmm, false reassurance.

1849

The gold rush begins: gold seekers arrive in Nicaragua en route to California

1789

The U.S. Post Office established, which is cool, and all, but wouldn’t it be even cooler if we still had the Pony Express? Ponder that.

1737

Galileo’s body is moved to the Church of Santa Croce in Florence, Italy. Gotta love postmortem forgiveness and adulation.

Go shorty, it’s your birthday

1968 “The Dark Knight” actor Aaron Eckhart

1962 Baseball player/scandal maker Darryl Strawberry

1953 Writer Carl Hiaasen

1946 Icon Liza Minnelli

Star Trek, hockey, and Shakespeare. What else do you need, really?

2006

Slobodan Milosevic is found dead in his cell in the Hague.

1997

Paul McCartney becomes Sir Paul McCartney. The Queen, magnanimous as always, was willing to overlook the atrocity that is Wings for his work in that silly little band with those funny bowl haircuts.

1997

The ashes of Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek, are launched into space. If only he would’ve taken Shatner with him (Picard 4 lyfe).

1987

Wayne Gretzky scores his 1,500th NHL point. Which is a lot of points, or something.

1960

Pioneer 5 is launched into solar orbit between Earth and Venus.

1959

Lorraine Hansberry’s insta-classic “Raisin in the Sun” opens on Broadway, the first play authored by an African American woman to do so. More fodder for my theory that alluding to Langston Hughes is always a winning strategy. I’ve known rivers.

1850

The first medical school for women is founded.

1789

L’Enfant begins to lay out our nation’s capitol. Our very own swampy, muggy Paris! Take that, France!

1302

Romeo and Juliet’s wedding day, as Shakespeare writes them. Mmm, fourteen year old marriage. How romantic.

Have a slice of cake!

1982 Actress Thora Birch. Remember the movie “Hocus Pocus”?

1979 Good Charlotte rocker Joel Madden

1968 Beglassesed singer Lisa Loeb

1950 Eternally carefree singer Bobby McFerrin

Out of this world with a touch of anarchy

2006

The Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter enters… wait for it… Mars’ orbit. What a twist.

1988

Prince Charles is nearly killed in an avalanche at Swiss ski resort. But he isn’t. The monarchy is saved! Phew. What would the world do without antiquated figureheads that serve as nothing more than symbols of an outdated, elitist classed society? Plus, he was so cruel to that poor Diana.

1982

All nine planets align on the same side of the sun.

1971

The Senate approves amendment lowering voting age to 18. Yeah civic duty!

1977

Rings of Uranus are discovered. The punch line writes itself.

1948

The first civilian exceeds the speed of sound. In Canada!

1914

Suffragettes in London damage a priceless painting. Cool. Probably they were just listening to Henry Rollins and got a little too hyped. It happens.

1910

China ends slavery.

1874

Purdue University in Indiana admits its 1st student.

Birthday time!

1983 Singer Carrie Underwood, who in our opinion, is the only true American Idol.

1958 Actress/crazy person Sharon Stone

1940 Actor and martial artist Chuck Norris, the Texas Walker ranger tough on drugs and tough on liberals.

1903 Rockstar Bix Biederbecke

1787 Painter William Etty

Stolen bodies, strike solidarity, and King Kong

1991

Switzerland lowers its voting age from 20 to 18. Yay for civic duty!

1989

Eastern Airlines machinists strike; pilots honor the picket line. Solidarity and stuff.

1978

Little Tramp: Charlie Chaplin’s remains are stolen in Switzerland.

1965

I’ve got sunshine, on a cloudy day: “My Girl” by the Temptations reaches the number one spot on the charts.

1959

The Pioneer 4, the first U.S. probe to enter solar orbit, is launched. Haha. Probe.

1933

Fay Wray-y. “King Kong” premieres in New York City.

1905

Only you can prevent forest fires: The U.S. Forest Service forms.

1891

Congress creates the U.S. Courts of Appeal.

1885

The U.S. Post Office begins to offer special delivery for First Class mail.

1875

The first ever recorded hockey game occurs in Montreal. Ya hoser.

Birthday time!

1966: Funky cold medina rapper Tone-Loc
1959: Radio personality/journalist Ira Glass
1917: Graphic novelist Will Eisner
1911: Actress/sex symbol Jean Harlow

Elvis, Tiger, Pink Floyd and Mickey Mantle. Good company.

1992

Tiger Woods, 16, becomes youngest PGA golfer in 35 years.

1967

Pink Floyd release their first single, “Arnold Layne.” Dude, if you play it and watch “Guys and Dolls” with the sound off, it totally lines up.

1963

Mickey Mantle signs a contract with the Yankees for 100,000 dollars. Which used to be a lot of money. Really. I swear.

1962

South-Vietnam President Ngo Dinh Diem’s palace is bombed, resulting in the first US casualty in the Vietnam War.

1956

Elvis Presley’s releases “Heartbreak Hotel.”

1879

Mmmm, aspartame. Saccharin is discovered.

1872

Charlotte Ray, the first African American woman to become a lawyer, graduates from Harvard.

1814

Ludwig van Beethoven’s 8th Symphony in F premieres. It’s no 9th symphony, Ludwig Van, but I guess it’s all right.

1813

The first federal vaccination legislation is enacted. Yeah vaccines! Boo viruses!

1813

Congress authorizes the use of steamboats to transport mail. Cool, right?

Mmm, cupcakes

1981

Musician/ inexplicable heartthrob Josh Groban

1980

Former first daughter/ Rhodes Scholar Chelsea Clinton

1968

Alias actor Michael Vartan

1807

By the Shores of Gitche Gumee: poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“I thought they, like, declared Peace in the Middle East?”

1984

Robert Penn Warren is named the first US poet laureate. Can you imagine a world without a poet laureate? It was a dark and scary place.

1983

Michael Jackson’s album “Thriller” goes to the number one spot and stays there for 37 weeks. Billy Jean is not our lover, so beat it.

1980

Egypt and Israel exchange ambassadors for the first time.

1975

The first televised kidney transplant on the Today Show. The word “first” implies that this has happened since. How many times can you show a kidney transplant without the act getting stale? I mean, really, Today Show.

1936

Hitler introduces Ferdinand Porsche’s “Volkswagen.” Why is the VW the car of hippies? Seriously, I have always wondered this. High irony?

1935

RADAR, the world’s most famous acronym AND word, is first demonstrated.

1916

Charlie Chaplin is signed by Mutual.

1870

The first New York City subway line opens. It’s pneumatic powered, so you totally could have peed on the third rail.

1848

Marx and Engels publish the “Communist Manifesto.” Viva socialismo! Or not, whatever.

Birthday time!

1971

Singer/crazy person Erykah Badu

1945

Rocker Mitch Ryder (and the Detroit Wheels)

1932

The man in black! Musician Johnny Cash

1564

Playwright Christopher Marlowe. You know, that other guy in Shakespeare in Love.

Laurence Welk and his accordion bid you adieu, meet the Beatles, and hockey is on television!

1989

The first independent blue-collar labor union in Communist Hungary forms. Solidarity, or something.

1987

Michael Jordan scores a team record 58 points in one game. Which is cool, but not nearly as cool as Space Jam.

1987

The U.S. Supreme Court upholds affirmative action in a 5-4 decision

1982

The final episode of “The Lawrence Welk Show” airs. Wunnerful, Wunnerful.

1963

The Beatles release their first US single, “Please Please Me.”

1941

February strike against persecution of Jews occurs in Amsterdam. Go Amsterdam, and all, but it’s really almost the end of February. That’s like a week of striking.

1940

See, someone watches hockey. The first ever televised hockey game is broadcast.

1925

Glacier Bay National Monument is established in Alaska

1919

How crunchy granola-y. Oregon is the first state to tax gasoline.

Make A Wish:

1966

Actress Tea Leoni

1963

Ubiquitous TV person Nancy O’Dell

1961

Actor/office creator/ british person Ricky Gervais

1943

Television host/teen girl bootcamp advocate Sally Jessy Raphael

Take that, ya pinko commies! USA! USA! USA!

2008

The end of an era. Well, sorta. Fidel Castro resigns as President of Cuba, his brother Raul Castro is unanimously elected

1998

Sir Benny and the Royal Jets? Elton John is knighted.

1989

Fatwa-y. Iran’s Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini puts a bounty on Salman Rushdie’s head.

1989

Last one in is a rotten egg! Like, really rotten. A 150-million-year-old fossil egg is found.

1980

Miracle on Ice! The USA Olympic hockey team defeats Finland, 4-2, to win the gold medal, after they handily defeated the evil force of communism. “Cold” War is right! (Geddit? Cuz they’re on ice? Eh?)

1924

Mahatma Gandhi is released from jail

1868

I did not violate the Tenure of Office Act (with that woman). The House of Representatives votes 126 to 47 to impeach President Andrew Johnson.

1839

Mike Mulligan finds his true calling. The steam shovel is patented by William Otis.

1836

Remember the Alamo! The 13 day battle begins.

1803

The Supreme Court declares a law unconstitutional for the first time. Balance of powers, it’s a beautiful thing.

How many boyfriends do YOU have?

1973

Boxer Oscar de la Hoya

1968

Now I am sad. Dead funny person Mitch Hedberg.

1942

Professional politician Joe Lieberman

1955

Apple cofounder/hipster god Steve Jobs

1968

Soccer player John Veldman (yes, this is America and I don’t actually know who this is, but he played for Sparta! SPAARTAAA!)

Guttenberg bibles and many manifestations of capitalism.

1968

Wilt Chamberlain becomes the first NBA player to score 25,000 points

1967

The 25th amendment is ratified. That’s the one that tells us that literally every other person in America would have to die before we became president, so an assassination attempt would be fruitless. I mean, um, succession of powers.

1954

1st mass inoculation with Salk vaccine. Bye bye polio!

1896

The Tootsie Roll is introduced by Leo Hirshfield. Grandmas everywhere, ecstatic to have an alternative to those crinkly, cellophane wrapped hard candies and butterscotch things, rush to stock their houses with them.

1886

London Times publishes the world’s 1st classified ad.

1836

Remember my funny raccoon hat: the Alamo is besieged by Santa Anna; the entire garrison is eventually killed

1813

The first U.S. raw cotton-to-cloth mill is founded in Waltham, Massachusetts. Whoo industrial revolution!

1455

Johannes Gutenberg prints the first book, a Bible

Cupcake time!

1994

Actress/child Dakota Fanning

1965

Veteran primetime soap opera star Kristin Davis

1940

Actor/ Jane Fonda progenitor Peter Fonda

1868

Activist/writer W. E. B. Du Bois

Art museums, women’s baseball, and unsavory politicians.

1992

Ross Perot and his ears announce their run for President on Larry King Show.

1988

What would Brian Boitano do? Win the Olympic gold medal in figure skating, that’s what.

1975

Proto Sarah Palin: Margaret Thatcher elected leader of British Conservative Party.

1971

General Idi Amin Dada is appointed president of Uganda. Which sucks, and all, but at least Forrest Whitaker got an Oscar out of it. That’s something.

1944

Holy ink stain, Batman! Batman and Robin comic strip premieres in newspapers.

1943

Phil Wrigley and B Rickey charter the All-American Girls Softball League. Insert your own Madonna, etc. reference here. A Joke of Your Own.

1872

The Metropolitan Museum of Art opens in New York City.

1816

Rossini’s opera “Barber of Seville” premieres in Rome. Yeah, the one that Alfalfa sings in Little Rascals. If only he’d stayed a crooner. Poor Spanky.

1809

The Supreme Court rules that the power of the federal government is greater than that of any individual state.

Births!

1988

If you’re name’s not Chris Brown, you can stand under her umbrella anytime! Singer Rihanna turns the big 2-1!

1979

Mysteriously still-famous actress Jennifer Love Hewitt

1966

Supermodel/ mole-haver Cindy Crawford

1964

Actor French Stewart

1967

Rock star/tragic figure Kurt Cobain

As American as corn flakes, cherry coke, and good ol’ coal burning trains!

1985

Canned and bottled Cherry Coke is first introduced by Coca-Cola.

1977

Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours” album released. You know, that one song that the Dixie Chicks covered? That band. But not that song.

1968

The first ever U.S. Teachers strike takes place in Florida.

1932

William Faulkner completes his novel “Light in August.” That one about poor white southerners. With the stream of consciousness, and the racial tensions. Oh wait.

1929

Medical diathermy machine is used for the first time. Which sounds important, anyway.

1919

W.E.B Dubois’ pan-African conference meets in Paris.

1906

Kellogg founds the Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company,

1861

Russian Tsar Alexander II abolishes serfdom. In pre-Alexander II Russia, farm owns YOU!

1831

The first U.S. coal-burning locomotive makes its trial run in Pennsylvania.

Raise a toast to…

1963

“Kiss By A Rose” singer/husband of Heidi Klum, Seal

1952

Author Amy Tan

1943

Singer/ ham sandwich aficionado (too far?) Mama Cass

1940

Soul singer William “Smokey” Robinson

Celebrity marriages, public education, and a lesson for the Little Women.

1995

Mmmm, hepatitis-y. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee wed.

1979

Miniseries “Roots: Next Generations” premieres. No Geordi on this one, though.

1979

Snow falls in Sahara Desert. Pigs fly; people everywhere are forced to do unsavory things.

1978

The first Iron Man Triathlon is held in Hawaii.

1972

California Supreme Court abolishes the death penalty.

1930

U.S. astronomer Clyde Tombaugh discovers Pluto. Poor little Pluto, we gave you fame and planet-hood and took it all away. We’ll always have the good times.

1885

Mark Twain’s “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,” is published.

1841

The first continuous filibuster in U.S. Senate begins, lasting until March 11. That’s a lot of Shakespeare and baseball scores.

1804

The first US land-grant college, Ohio University, is chartered.

1678

John Bunyan’s “Pilgrim’s Progress” is published. Allegory-y.

That’s a lot more than 16…

1968

Bratpacker Molly Ringwald

1965

Ain’t nothin but a g thing: rapper Dr. Dre

1950

Actress Cybill Shepherd

1896

Poet/surrealist/scenester Andre Breton

1862

Charles M. Schwab, founder of the creatively named “Charles Schwab and Co, Inc”

525,600 reasons to celebrate Friday the 13th.

1996

The musical “Rent” opens off-Broadway. It addresses many controversial issues, including: exactly how many minutes are in a year?

1976

Dorothy Hamill and her hair win Olympic figure-skating gold.

1974

Writer Alexander Solzhenitsyn is expelled from U.S.S.R. Maybe now he’ll stop whining about the Gulag. Sheesh. We get it already.

1937

A quest to the Misty Isles: “Prince Valiant” comic strip first appears.

1924

King Tut’s tomb is opened.

1920

National Negro Baseball League organizes

1866

Jesse James holds up his first bank in Liberty, Missouri, for 15,000 dollars. Go big or go home.

1861

Abraham Lincoln is declared the president of the USA

1693

The College of William and Mary opens.

Have some cake and ice cream for...

1944

Former Cincinnati mayor/talk show host/blight Jerry Springer

1950

Rock star/angry person Peter Gabriel

1961

Spray paint the walls! Ex punk Henry Rollins

1933

Actress/Hitchcock obsession Kim Novak

Recessionista’s Guide To Valentine’s Day!

• Saturday is Valentine’s Day. So if you’ve got somebody special, go out and celebrate!
• Sure, the story of St. Valentine has no romantic connotations, but medieval courtiers used to exchange valentines all the time (Mmm courtly love).
• Geoffrey Chaucer also wrote a poem about Valentine’s Day, and what’s more romantic than middle English?
• Sure, the revival of Valentine’s Day in America was closely followed by the first mass-production of lacy heart shaped cards, but corporatization is sexy! (I think maybe we’re just bitter.)
• And now, the sale and use of tracking devices and hiring of private investigators are increasing around this holiday, which some consider an opportune time to catch a cheating spouse. [USA Today]
• And while, V-Day is supposed to be sexy, the down-in-the-dumps economy isn’t.
• But luckily, if your wallet is a little light this year, we present....

The Recessionista’s guide to Valentine’s Day:

• Have a nice cozy dinner at home instead of going out. Cheap AND romantic.
• Make your sweetie something heartfelt. It works with moms, and it works with significant others. Write a poem! Maybe skip the macaroni collage, though.
• Rent a movie. It’s thrifty, and it’s way more personal. No one will interrupt your exchange of sweet nothings with a pesky “Shh.”
• Not big on romantic movies? Here are a few suggestions:
  • “Singin’ in the Rain” (1952): Who wouldn’t want somebody to run around in the rain like a crazy person because they were so happy to be with you? Plus, Cyd Charisse is smokin’.
    
    
  • “Say Anything” (1989):C’mon. John Cusack underneath your window with a boom box. Game over.
    
    
  • “High Fidelity” (2000): I guess we sort of have a thing for John Cusack. But can you blame us? Sure, he starts off as kind of a jerk, but he comes around in the end. And this clip would melt even the coldest of hearts.
    
    
  • “10 Things I Hate About You” (1999): Yeah, it’s based on Shakespeare’s most misogynistic play. And Julia Stiles as riot grrl is a little comical. But Heath Ledger singing with the marching band? Even your grandma would swoon.
    
    
  • “Pride and Prejudice” (1995): We recommend the version with Colin Firth. We wish Mr. Darcy would meditate about our fine eyes.
    
    

Free Mandela! The VP has a hunting accident, the Beatles come stateside, Jughead eats his way into our hearts.

2006

Former Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shoots his friend in the face.

1990

Nelson Mandela is released after 27 years of imprisonment in South Africa.

1979

Iran’s premier Bakhtiar resigns, Ayatollah Khomeini seizes power.

1964

It’s no Ed Sullivan, but the Beatles make their first live appearance in the USA at the Washington DC coliseum.

1945

Cold War precursor: the Yalta agreement is signed by FDR, Churchill and Stalin

1942

Are you a Betty or a Veronica? “Archie” comic book debuts

1916

Mother Earth: Emma Goldman is arrested for lecturing on birth control

1814

Norway proclaims its independence

1766

The British are coming (in a few years)! The Stamp Act is declared unconstitutional in Virginia.

Go shorty, it’s your birthday…

1962

Singer Sheryl Crow

1942

Freckle-faced lothario/comic book character Archie Andrews

1936

Actor/mustache haver Burt Reynolds

1926

Naked Gun actor Leslie Nielsen

1732

Nobody special, you know. Just George Washington.

Rod Stewart thinks you're sexy, pro wrestling is fake, and Don Johnson wears pastel polyester!

1989

The 100th episode of Miami Vice airs. That’s at least 100 different leisure suits worn by Don Johnson.

1989

Choke slam! The World Wrestling Federation admits that pro wrestling is just an exhibition.

1979

“Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart peaks at #1.

1956

Elvis Presley records “Heartbreak Hotel” for RCA

1947

WW II peace treaties are signed.

1945

“Rum and Coca Cola” by the Andrews Sisters hits #1.

1942

Glenn Miller is awarded the first ever gold disc for selling 1 million copies of “Chattanooga Choo Choo.”

1870

YWCA (Young Women’s Christian Association) forms in New York City.

Birthdays! Birthdays! Birthdays!

1775

Critic/poet/essayist Charles Lamb

1939

It was a grave yard smash! Monster Mash vocalist Boris Pickett

1946

He’s just mad about saffron: singer Donovan

1958

actor/crazy person Sharon Stone

1950

Pre-Phelpsian swimmer Mark Spitz

It’s a good day: Ike’s a golf whiz, Tricky Dick and a Hollywood madam are caught, and we’ve got hotels on Boardwalk AND Park Place, so there’s no way our little brother can beat us

1996

Heidi Fleiss is scheduled to begin her 7 year jail sentence. Charlie Sheen, various celebrities, mourn.

1976

George Harrison releases “This Guitar (Can’t Keep From Crying)”

1974

The U.S. House of Representatives begins determining the grounds for impeachment of President Nixon.

1968

Former President Dwight Eisenhower shoots a hole-in-one. Golf like Ike!

1935

Monopoly board game goes on sale for the first time. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

1865

Robert E. Lee is appointed General of the Confederate Army.

1862

Ulysses S. Grant begins military campaign in Mississippi

1778

France officially recognizes the fledgling USA by signing the Treaty of Paris. This is the first United States treaty.

Blow out the candles and make a wish with

1966: Singer/internet prank Rick Astley
1962: Singer Axl Rose
1945: Rastafarian/singer Bob Marley
1912: Adolf Hitler’s mistress Eva Braun
1911: B-list actor/40th president Ronald Reagan
1756: Dueler Aaron Burr

Kareem’s soaring above the rest, while people around the world are eating an endless amount of Jello and still searching for Carmen San Diego.

1994

The animated cartoon based on the computer game “Where On Earth Is Carmen San Diego?” debuts. The question remains unanswered.

1989

Kareem Abdul-Jabar becomes the first NBA player to score 38,000 points. Which is a lot. Or something.

1983

Former Nazi Gestapo official Klaus Barbie is brought to trial. Which is very important and serious, but… Klaus Ken is still at large. Don’t even get me started on Klaus Skipper.

1983

Former Nazi Gestapo official Klaus Barbie is brought to trial.

1981

The largest Jell-O ever is made (9,246 gallons of watermelon-flavor).

1977

Sugar Ray Leonard beats Luis Vega in six rounds in his first ever professional fight.

1973

The comic strip “Hagar the Horrible” debuts. Vikings from Norway to Iceland and everywhere in between rejoice; finally their plight is mentioned in the mainstream media.

1948

Dick Button becomes the first U.S. figure skating Olympic champion

1937

The first Charlie Chaplin talkie, “Modern Times,” is released. Robert Downey Jr. sure looks great for his age!

Save a piece of cake for…

1968

Spin Doctor Chris Barron

1958

Actress Jennifer Jason Leigh

1948

Actor/mockumentarian Christopher Guest

1917

Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor

1914

Writer/beatnik/murderer/famous person William S. Burroughs

Raise a toast to clean water, Our Town, and radioactive goo!

1998

Steve Jobs fans, rejoice! Bill Gates gets a pie in the face in Brussels, Belgium.

1987

Congress overrides President Reagan’s veto of the Clean Water Act.

1974

Patricia Hearst is kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army. John Waters is forever grateful.

1969

Yasser Arafat becomes the leader of the Palestinian Liberation Organization. So there’s that.

1938

The fourth wall crumbles: “Our Town,” by Thornton Wilder, opens on Broadway.

1936

The first radioactive is produced synthetically (radium E)

1924

The first Winter Olympic Games close in Chamonix, France

1789

The first Electoral College chooses George Washington to be the President and John Adams to be the first VP

Cupcake Time!

1973

Boxer Oscar De La Hoya

1969

Chastity Bono, daughter of Sonny and Cher

1948

Golfer/Wayne’s World lauded rock star Alice Cooper (born Vincent Furnier)

1947

“Potatoe” loving VP Dan Quayle